Not long ago, I was going through some old documents on my computer and came across a couple of scripts I wrote a long time ago, back in my early days of living in Australia. The two main ones that I was interested in are both superhero stories, in which the characters are all riffs of friends of mine (people who we thought might play them). The first one is called The Legion of Good.
The idea behind it was that the Legion of Good are a group of superheroes who don’t have a lot of money, and thus have to skimp and save to keep their operation running. It’s an adventure-comedy which obviously draws a lot of inspiration from the Legion of Super-Heroes, and in particular their low-level back up crew, the Legion of Substitute Heroes. They are a mixture of both highly powerful characters along with those with sillier abilities (not unlike the comic book LSH), but it’s their comical reactions to things that help to give the story its personality.
Anyway, many of the people who the characters were based on (and intended to be played by) have moved on from Perth now, and I’ve gone onto other things, so it’s pretty unlikely that I’ll ever do anything with this script. However, in re-reading it, I found there were a number of things in there that I really liked. Some jokes held up well and the story has a reasonable mystery going on with decent character moments for every member of the team. So I decided to present the script here, but summarized and abridged, with only some of the dialog retained, to give the general idea of what’s going on and make the story readable.
Incidentally, I wrote this before Mystery Men came out, and before the idea of the movie superhero comedy was a bit commonplace. Also, there is a time travel gag in here that is pretty much the same as one used in my favorite time travel movie, Summer Time Machine Blues – but which again was written before that movie was made.
Also incidentally, “XBen” is a character loosely based on me that was originally coined by someone I knew at college, but that I have imagined using (though never have officially) in many superhero stories since. He’s a mutant, born with the power to make a grain of sand appear in his enemy’s eye. So it’s all like, “Uh oh, here comes Magneto!” “No problem – zap!” and a grain of sand appears in Magneto’s eye. As he’s trying to deal with that (“Ow, arg, my eye!”), XBen clobbers him over the head with a bowling pin. A sketch by good friend, occasional collaborator, and talented artist Nathan Maetzener (whose website is here) illustrates the concept:
Although of course, I am not, nor have I ever been, as muscley as that drawing would indicate. XBen has appeared in many non-official superhero story ideas of mine, so much so that he has a pretty extensive crime fighting history if you were to string them all together. The earliest appearance would be in my never-been-drawn comic series Hapless Force, followed by this Legion of Good, and finally as the founder and leader of The Squadron of Fighting Mighties, who appeared in an incomplete round-robin style story.
Anyway, without any further ado…The Legion of Good
(I’ve added some Chapter Titles in bold here which are just for reading convenience)
The story opens up in the Reception area for the Legion of Good Headquarters. The Legion are a “low-tech” group of superheroes, and their HQ reflects this. DANGER GIRL is at the reception desk. She is a bright and bubbly young lady with a ditzy manner. She writes in her diary while she mans the telephones.
DANGER GIRL: Dear Diary. Wow, it sure has been a long time since we’ve spoken. For the past week, we have been away on an important mission, trying to stop Captain Conquer from starting a war between Switzerland and Australia. Fortunately, we were successful, but it’s too bad that Captain Conquer got away. Between that and all that craziness with the Cosmic Freak at the beginning of the month, we’ve barely had time to catch our breaths.
She pauses, thinking
DANGER GIRL: The good news, though, is that while we were in outer space I met this really cute alien guy named—
Suddenly, she freezes, her eyes widening and her face a mask of concern. She looks up and says, to no one in particular
DANGER GIRL: Danger! I sense Danger!
Just then, the phone rings. DR. DWAYNO is on the other end. Dwayno is another hero, a Canadian with an over-the-top, exaggerated personality. He’s calling from a pay phone (because this was back in the 1990’s before people had mobiles). He is eating a burger from Hungry Jacks (the Australian equivalent to Burger King) and tells Danger Girl that a group of criminals called Invisible Gang (because they’re, you know, invisible) is overrunning town.
Danger Girl sends out the emergency signal and we see a montage of various heroes around the city in their secret identities (one of them Hardcorey, is a homeless man in his secret identity!), responding. They gather in town, discovering the nature of the danger from Dr. Dwayno. Their leader, XBEN orders the team to charge into action!
The Legion of Good
The Story Begins
We come back to a new superhero, RADIATION RACHEL, who along with her aunt and uncle, is admiring how she looks in crime-fighting outfit. (A TV report in the background informs us that the Legion took care of the Invisible Gang pretty easily). Radiation Rachel is young and optimistic with bright, hopeful eyes.
AUNT: Oh Rachel, you look so pretty in your superhero suit.
RACHEL: Costume, Aunt Joyce, they call it a superhero costume.
AUNT: Purple has always been your best colour. I’m sure you’ll turn the heads of all the boy superheros.
RACHEL (embarrassed): Aunt Joyce!
Rachel’s Uncle concurs, and says it’s a special day since Rachel is joining the Legion of Good that morning. He says he knew her powers to control radiation would make her perfect for the team.
RACHEL: Yeah. Ever since that jealous co-worker of dad’s locked me in that microwave oven factory when I was a kid and inadvertently gave me control over all forms of radioactivity, I’ve been looking for a place to fit in, and it looks like I’ve finally found it!
Yes, Legion of Super-Heroes fans, Rachel’s origin is a deliberate riff on the backstory of Sun Boy. And this was neither the first time nor the last that I have purposely written absurdly long expository dialog intended to be delivered naturally in one extended breath. Too bad the real Rachel never got a chance to do this line. The outtakes probably would have been a hoot.
Anyway, Radiation Rachel shows up at the front gate of the Legion headquarters, and is greeted by GOLDFISH, who announces herself as her official Big Sister Superhero. Goldfish shows her around, while telling her her story of having been a mermaid who always wanted to be a horse, but somehow got stuck in between. Goldfish talks to fish, can breathe underwater and has super-strength – so basically classic “Aquaman” powers in the body (and accent) of a woman apparently from the American South.
Goldfish introduces her to the other team members, including TALL POPPY (their “surliest” member, an Australian who is uncharacteristically superior to everyone else, and who otherwise has a general Batman-esque vibe going on). Dr. Dwayno suddenly bursts on the scene accusing Tall Poppy of stealing his touque (a Canadian wooly hat).
TALL POPPY: What on earth would I want with your touque, Dwayno? Is that going to help me in my neverending war on the underworld?
DWAYNO: Well, I don’t believe you! You took my touque, and I’m going to prove it! I’m going back in time to when it was still on the sofa, and then I’ll catch you at it red handed!! Boy, aren’t you going to be sorry when I change history and catch you red-handed!
Dr. Dwayno abruptly disappears.
RADIATION RACHEL: Wow. Can he really change history?
GOLDFISH: Unfortunately, yes, but it’s best not to think about it. Come on, you don’t want to be late for your first meeting.
Dr. Dwayno indeed has the power to travel back in time, and so he returns to the Legion’s lounge room the night before, where he finds and takes his hat, boasting to himself how this will teach Tall Poppy a lesson. (This is of course the joke that later became part of the movie Summer Time Machine Blues, although maybe I’d already seen it somewhere else when I wrote this).
Dwayno returns to the meeting which Radiation Rachel has just arrived at, only to then realize that he has become a self-fulfilling prophecy and has stolen his own hat.
DWAYNO: I hate it when I do that! Why don’t I ever realize it in time?
Meanwhile, the meeting is underway. Danger Girl is asking everyone what they think of her new mask – which is one of those airplane sleeping masks that have no eye holes. She gets up and starts fumbling around.
DANGER GIRL: I’m going to look at myself in the mirror. Uh…danger! I’m sensing danger guys!
She walks out of the room, groping around. Suddenly, she cries out in pain and surprise. She calls back from off camera, “Oops…I think I found it. Nevermind.”
XBen calls the meeting to order and introduces Radiation Rachel to everyone. Dr. Dwayno insists he already knows her. In fact, he’s her boyfriend. Rachel is surprised.
DWAYNO: Oh my goodness, don’t you remember? Oh no!! I’ve changed history! When I went back for my touque!
RACHEL: What are you talking about?
DWAYNO: It’s true! We met yesterday, and you were really attracted to me, and we started going out! But now, history has changed, and all that’s been erased! Well, maybe we can never get those lost moments back, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start again, right here, right now….
This is an attempt at hitting on Radiation Rachel, of course, and it turns out that Dr. Dwayno has tried the same routine almost all the girls.
At this point, it’s revealed that XBen’s term as Legion Leader ends next week, an event that FEISTY GIRL – the current deputy leader, a fierce but petite unpowered hand-to-hand combatant who wears boxing gloves – seems to be looking forward to. XBen announces they have serious business to discuss. Dr. Dwayno, eating potato chips, interrupts.
DWAYNO: I’ve got some business to discuss! I think we should use our pop money to buy a new sofa!
HARDCOREY: I’ve got some better business! Let’s kick Dr. Dwayno out of the team. Those are my potato chips he’s eating!
DWAYNO: What? Oh, sorry man! Don’t worry, I’ll pay for them! It’s not reason to kick me out!
HARDDCOREY: But you always eat all the potato chips!
DWAYNO: I don’t do that! I mean, sure, yeah, I do, but that’s just because that battle with the Cosmic Freak last month changed my metabolism!
Dr. Dwayno will be eating in almost every scene he appears in. XBen interrupts this conversation because he wants to talk about the team’s trophy room, and its latest addition: the favorite coffee mug of the team’s enemy, Captain Conquer. The others think that’s ridiculous – the didn’t even capture Captain Conquer.
XBEN: I know, but we did foil his plans, and we managed to get his favorite coffee mug. You know how much he likes his coffee. Let me tell, you…right now, he’s missing this mug something fierce.
A quick cutaway reveals this is true. Captain Conquer is tearing his kitchen apart, looking for his mug, but finding only a note that says, “Ha ha! We got your coffee mug, Captain Conquer! Signed, the Legion of Good” Aggravated, Captain Conquer returns to focusing on taking over the world, which involves him strategizing over a Risk board which is set up and in play. He stifles a yawn.
Back at the meeting, Feisty Girl announces it’s time for combat training, and randomly picks HARDCOREY and TACO BOY to have the first bout. Hardcorey has the power to turn himself into a human velociraptor (basically, a person who stomps around and screeches like a dinosaur, with the dinosaur’s ferocity–remember, this was just a few years after the first two Jurassic Park movies), while Taco Boy is a young hero (in his secret identity, he’s a high school student) who has the super-power to turn rocks into tacos, and vice-versa. Hardcorey, in velocirapter mode, attacks the hapless Taco Boy without mercy. XBen throws into Radiation Rachel into the fight and she easily disables Hardcorey with a temporary case of radiation poisoning. She is commended, while Taco Boy is rebuked for his poor performance.
TACO BOY: Uh…he got me in my glass jaw…my secret weakness! I gained it in the same atomic accident that turned me into Taco Boy.
TALL POPPY: If you can’t learn to hold your own in a fight, Taco Boy, you’ve got no place in the Legion of Good!
DR. DWAYNO [eating a taco]: Don’t worry, Taco Boy! I appreciate you!
It occurs to me now that Taco Boy could be a pretty formidable opponent if he could trick his enemies into eating tacos, and then turn them into rocks in their stomachs. But that doesn’t figure into this story.
Suddenly, Danger Girl senses danger…coming from the phone. It rings, and Dwayno takes the call. It’s an anonymous tip about some sort of super-villain ruckus going on in the local shopping area. XBen picks the team to respond – himself, Hardcorey, Dr. Dwayno and Radiation Rachel, with Dwayno driving. They leave.
Feisty Girl adjourns the meeting. Taco Boy has a test to study for and leaves. Danger Girl is back on monitor duty / reception, and Goldfish and Tall Poppy are rostered on to prepare dinner for that night.
Suddenly, Dr. Dwayno runs back in, crying frantically “Where are the Tarago keys?!”
(Um, for the non-Australians, a Tarago is a Toyato van that is sold in Australia).
Later, the four heroes arrive in town, having had to run. There is no sign of any disturbance. They split up to see if they can find any trouble. Dr. Dwayno and Radiation Rachel search together, unaware that they are being watched by a criminal low-life type called SKULKER. Not finding any trouble, Dwayno suggests they get some food at McDonald’s. “If I don’t eat constantly,” he explains, “My blood super-metabolizes and I pass out. It’s the price I pay for leading a life of public service.”
Skulker backs off–it is later revealed, because he didn’t want to face two heroes at once–and eventually finds Hardcorey alone. Referring to him as “Plan B”, he shoots him with a dart gun, and Hardcorey goes down in much the way you’d imagine and angry but drugged dinosaur would.
Back at Legion HQ, Feisty Girl is working out when Dr. Dwayno suddenly approaches out of nowhere from behind her. He claims to have come from an hour in the future, and that 45 minutes from now his team returned from their mission to find everyone at headquarters dead! “It’s true!” he says. “XBen is going crazy! I came back to try to change history—“ But at that moment, a shot rings out, and Dwayno cries out, collapsing to the ground, apparently dying. He manages to mumble a few extra words…
DWAYNO: We’ve been betrayed, Fiesty Girl, betrayed by…one of…us…
Feisty turns in the direction of the shots but doesn’t see anything. She turns back, and Dwayno is gone. She contacts Danger Girl by phone, telling her to alert the others and to recall XBen’s team.
Feisty Girl meets with Tall Poppy and Goldfish (both wearing aprons) and sends them to search for the intruder. XBen shows up, having received the return signal. He assumes the rest of his team are on their way. Feisty Girl tells him what happened, though not about future-Dwayno suspiciously naming XBen before being shot.
There is no sign of any intruder in their headquarters so the team meets to discuss things. Some people are at first surprised that Dr. Dwayno is alive because of what Feisty Girl told them.
GOLDFISH: But you said he got shot! Oh wait, that was in the future.
DWAYNO: I get shot in the future? No way! Then I’m going back in time and hiding in the past forever!
FEISTY GIRL: No wait!
Too late, Dwayno disappears, only to reappear a moment later.
FEISTY GIRL: Look, you don’t get shot in the future, but a Dr. Dwayno from the future gets shot in the past.
DWAYNO: What?! Then I”m never going to the past again!
TALL POPPY: You’re so well balanced, Dr. Dwayno, that’s what we admire most about you.
At that point, the team realizes that Hardcorey hasn’t returned
DWAYNO: Who cares about Hardcorey?! I’m sure he’s fine! He’s not the one who gets shot!
Meanwhile, Hardcorey is tied up in a dark and spooky room. Skulker is there, as well as another mysterious figure. Skulker is paid off for bringing to Hardcorey to this other villain, who gloats to Hardcorey that he was set up and betrayed by one of his own teammates. This shadowy villain is eventually revealed to be DR. ZEDEKIAH SKITCH, the Mindbender, an early enemy of the Legion of Good that most of the current team have never faced (XBen and Feisty Girl are later explained to have been part of the team in those days). He was after Dr. Dwayno, but in his absence, Hardcorey will do for his purposes. He is approaches our captured hero, staring at him with his hypnotic vision.
HARDCOREY: Holy Schnikies!
SKITCH (speaking in a thick European accent): I do not know what these “schnikies” are of which you speak, but I can guarantee you that they will do you know good, holy or otherwise.
Back at the Legion HQ, the team is meeting. Some have searched the mall and come up with no sign of Hardcorey, and others are talking about possible enemies who might be behind this (their names written on a white board): Captain Conquer, the Mad Cow, Bob the Human Flyswatter, the Morning People (considered not a real threat by most, except for Dwayno who hates them for attacking really early on Saturdays), and Mumbo Jumbo (a master of misdirection who hasn’t been heard from lately).
Tall Poppy reveals that has had heard reports of Skulker being spotted in town, and he goes to investigate. Danger Girl volunteers to go with him. XBen reminds the others that it’s dessert night, and that they don’t want to see all the ice cream they bought go to waste, so the others go to eat.
But first, Feisty Girl speaks to XBen quietly about a weapon that is kept in his office which could possibly be used against them. She’s worried about it because of what future-Dwayno said about their defeat. It’s the Epsilon Radiation Device (I feel like naming stuff like this is not my strongpoint). XBen assures her he’s checked and the Epsilon Radiation Device is secure in a safe that only he knows the combination for.
Meanwhile, Tall Poppy and Danger Girl go to a park where he hopes to find Skulker.
DANGER GIRL: Wow, Tall Poppy, you sure know a lot of criminals and stuff.
TALL POPPY: It’s part of my war on the underworld. I’ve been waging it since my life was traumatized as a small boy, when I saw my dog Bambi gunned down by a mugger right before my eyes.
My friend Matt–who has played a superhero in a completely different project that I did–really did have a small dog named Bambi, but that’s as far as this line is based on real events. Anyway, Danger Girl and Tall Poppy find Skulker, who is apparently addicted to Oreo cookies and has used his pay to purchase a big stash. While Danger Girl keeps lookout, Tall Poppy roughs him up for information. Skulker has just revealed that his boss is Zedekiah Skitch and that he has one of the heroes on his payroll, when Danger Girl shouts out a warning. But it’s too late, as a shot rings out and Skulker is killed.
TALL POPPY: Blast! Just like Bambi! Will I never be able to do enough? Will I never be able to put the ghosts to rest?!
Back at Legion HQ, Tall Poppy shows Feisty Girl and the others a piece of paper that Danger Girl found on Skulker’s body. It’s a receipt for payment that Skulker received for kidnapping Hardcorey…in XBen’s handwriting! Feisty Girl reveals that future-Dwayno accused one of the team for betraying them. She is also concerned about Zedekiah Skitch, one of their oldest enemies, but she’s even more worried that XBen has access to the Epsilon Radiation Device which is powerful enough to defeat them all. She declares that they have to bring him in…now.
Unbeknownst to them, XBen is hearing all this. He races to his office to get the weapon out of his safe, but the others come after him, confronting him. Dwayno punches him out, surprising him by appearing from the future–which is what gives Dwayno in the present the idea to take him by surprise that way. XBen had dropped the Epsilon Device before he could use it, and Danger Girl picks it up. XBen protests he was only getting the Device because they were all turning against him, but the others don’t believe him. He is tied up and put into a prison in the HQ.
The Legion Regroups
Feisty Girl, now leading the team, meets with the others (Tall Poppy, Radiation Rachel, Danger Girl, and Goldfish) to discuss what to do next. Danger Girl says she put the Epsilon Device back in the safe. Feisty Girl shares the history of Dr. Skitch with everyone else.
FEISTY GIRL: Years ago, Skitch invented the Epsilon Radiation Device, which we still keep in the leader’s office. This Device can be used to steal the powers of any member of the Legion of Good. Skitch tried to do just that when we first banded together as a superteam, but Velocity Girl, Wave Boy, XBen and the rest of us defeated him.
RADIATION RACHEL: And now he’s back.
FEISTY GIRL: And very dangerous. Not only does it appear that he’s been working with XBen, but he can also uses special radiation to brainwash people. That’s why he’s called the Mindbender.
Briefly, they wonder if that’s what happened to XBen, but Radiation Rachel has detected no radiation on XBen, just from the Epsilon Device. Fiesty Girl insists that XBen has fallen from grace on his own accord. They decide that they can trace Skitch’s exact whereabouts thanks to Radiation Rachel’s ability to sense radiation. Danger Girl is put back on monitor duty, charged to make sure XBen doesn’t cause any more problems.
The team drives down the street, with Radiation Rachel sticking her head out the window sniffing, and giving directions.
Meanwhile, Danger Girl doesn’t notice Taco Boy (who has been absent ever since the emergency started, studying for his test) entering. Taco Boy finds XBen in prison, setting him free when XBen claims he was ambushed by the others. XBen uses his power against Danger Girl and knocks her out, telling Taco Boy that she was part of a team mutiny that Feisty Girl led. The two head go to XBen’s office, and look into the safe where they find the Epsilon Radiation Device…but XBen declares it’s a fake. “Feisty Girl took it with her,” he tells Taco Boy, “I think she’s leading the others into a trap.” Taco Boy calls the others, who have just arrived outside Dr. Skitch’s lair, to find out where they are (without telling them of course that’s he’s teaming up with XBen), and he and XBen follow by public bus.
Danger Girl wakes up, holding her head, and leaves as well.
Infiltrating Dr. Skitch’s Lair
Feisty Girl, Dr. Dwayno, Radiation Rachel, Goldfish and Tall Poppy sneak into Dr. Skitch’s lair, the outer room of which looks like a lounge room, including a bowl of peanuts and a pitcher of water. Dwayno, hungry as always, starts eating the peanuts. This sets off a trap in which the doors are locked and the room is flooded with knockout gas. Goldfish, however, is able to use the pitcher of water to continue breathing and with her great strength forces the inner door open, saving the others.
Meanwhile, Taco Boy and XBen arrive and begin sneaking in another way. Eventually, they split up in their search for the others.
As Feisty Girl and the others recover from the gas, Hardcorey suddenly appears…under the control of Dr. Skitch! He attacks them, but Goldfish holds him off while the others escape.
Moving on, the rest of the team splits up, with Tall Poppy and Feisty Girl going one way and Radiation Rachel and Dr. Dwayno the other way.
Danger Girl has also arrived at the Lair, and sneaks in by herself.
Feisty Girl and Tall Poppy are the first to find Dr. Skitch. Skitch reveals he was after Dr. Dwayno originally so he could send him back in time to steal the Epsilon Radiation Device before it was locked away, but nonetheless, he will still be able to acquire it soon. He uses his powers to take over Tall Poppy’s mind and make him attack Feisty Girl.
Meanwhile, Radiation Rachel and Dr. Dwayno arrive at a crossroads. Dr. Dwayno from a few minutes in the future suddenly arrives, finishing a pack of M&M’s that the current Dwayno is just starting, and tells them which way to go (since the other direction is a dead end).
DWAYNO: Rad man! I bet you’re glad I came along now! Go on! I’ll go back in time and deliver that message!
They arrive to find Tall Poppy and Feisty Girl still fighting. Radiation Rachel uses her powers to protect Dr. Dwayno and the others from Skitch’s radioactive assault. Still, the villain is confident that when his partner in crime arrives with the Epsilon Radiation Device, he will have the victory. Just then…XBen enters. Feisty Girl’s face falls…
But XBen attacks Skitch (sending a grain of sand into his eye)!
Just in time, as Radiation Rachel collapses in exhaustion. XBen hits Skitch on the head with his little club (his weapon of choice). Feisty Girl joins in, pummeling Skitch. Radiation Rachel intervenes and stops Feisty Girl from beating Skitch too badly. Fiesty turns on her, almost violently.
FEISTY GIRL: Why?! Are you the secret partner?!
RACHEL: No…but he beaten. Anything else is just violence.
With Skitch defeated, Hardcorey “comes to” and stops fighting Goldfish. They go to find the others. On the way, they hear something and investigate, and are shocked by what…or rather who…they see locked up in a jail cell.
The Real Enemy
Meanwhile, Dr. Skitch has been tied up, while XBen and Feisty Girl both realize that neither one of them was a traitor.
SKITCH: You thought XBen was my partner? Ha! That’s rich! Looks like my real partner’s being doing a better job than I thought!
Feisty Girl looks at Dr. Dwayno.
FEISTY GIRL: I don’t understand. Everything your future self told me pointed to XBen being the culprit….
TALL POPPY: Well then, maybe Dr. Dwayno was lying! Maybe he’s the traitor!
DWAYNO: What? What are you talking about? I’m no traitor!
TALL POPPY: Yeah, well maybe not yet, but maybe sometime in the future you turn evil, and then you come back in time and betray us! Well, I for one am not about to let that happen! Come on guys, let’s get him!
Tall Poppy and several of the others attack Dr. Dwayno…
DWAYNO: Hey–stop it! Arg! You idiots, this is probably why I turned evil! Aaaaaaa
Meanwhile, Danger Girl enters. She walks around the room, looking for something in her handbag. Dr. Dwayno, dazed on the ground, mumbles about needing food. That triggers a realization for Feisty Girl – the Dwayno from the future wasn’t eating, unlike Dwayno normally does all the time.
FEISTY GIRL: Food. Without food…Dwayno passes out…in seconds…Dwayno from the future…he wasn’t eating any food…
Feisty Girl suddenly remembers how future-Dwayno was not only foodless, but he also both appeared and disappeared without Feisty Girl actually seeing him do so.
FEISTY GIRL: Everything future-Dwayno said…all the evidence that said XBen was a traitor…it’s all nonsense. Nothing but a big load of…mumbo jumbo…
The penny drops as the heroes remember different moments – Danger Girl picking up the Epsilon Radiation Device, Danger Girl producing the receipt from Skulker, and Danger Girl crying out in pain off-camera when she was wearing her blindfold.
Looking back at Danger Girl, Feisty and the others see that she is now leveling the Epsilon Device at them all.
DANGER GIRL: You didn’t even make it difficult.
She removes her disguise and reveals that she is the Legion’s old enemy, MUMBO JUMBO, a master of disguise and misdirection. Danger Girl has been Mumbo Jumbo ever since she wandered off with her eye-less mask and cried out off camera. Also, the Dr. Dwayno that appeared from the future was really Mumbo Jumbo as well, as the villain is quick-change master of disguise.
Radiation Rachel tries to hit Mumbo with radiation sickness, but before she can do so, Mumbo shoots her with the device. Rachel shrieks in pain and collapses. Mumbo Jumbo has now gained Radiation Rachel’s powers, and uses them on Feisty Girl. Rachel, meanwhile, is now powerless.
MUMBO JUMBO: I’ve combined the Epsilon Device with Dr. Skitch’s latest research!! Now, not only does it steal your powers, but it gives them to me to use against you! Ha ha ha!
The rest of the Legion arrive, lead by Hardcorey, who tackles Mumbo Jumbo to the ground. Behind Hardcorey is Goldfish and the real Danger Girl.
In the ensuing battle, Mumbo Jumbo steals the powers of Hardcorey, Goldfish, and XBen. The Legion fall back, but the team is defeated with only XBen, Radiation Rachel and Danger Girl making it out. They are joined by Taco Boy (who has finally arrived from his wanderings in the building), and try to figure out what to do.
Meanwhile, Mumbo Jumbo tortures Feisty Girl, the only other team member still conscious, with Rachel’s radiation powers.
FEISTY: I don’t understand…Mumbo Jumbo…you didn’t use to be this insane…
Mumbo Jumbo insists he only discovered his true purpose when he met Zedekiah Skitch: not destroying the heroes, as Feisty Girl thinks, but rather making them–and the rest of the whole mad world–sane “just like me”. By combining Dr. Skitch’s mindbending powers with the new, improved Epsilon Device, he can do it. He can infect the entire earth with Epsilon radiation, making them all as “sane” as he is.
Skitch, who has woken up, realizes that he will be as much a victim of Mumbo Jumbo as anyone else and tries to get away. As Mumbo Jumbo deals with him and steals his powers, Feisty takes the opportunity to get out of the room and find the others, alerting them of the situation. Danger Girl blames Feisty Girl for leading a mutiny, but XBen understands that she thought she was helping the team. Feisty Girl insists that things are her fault.
FEISTY GIRL: Jumbo said I made it easy for him. It’s true….I was too quick to jump to conclusions. I wanted to prove myself, show that I was… a leader.
Radiation Rachel points that as a superhero, she’s already a leader. Yes, they have great powers; and yes, they use them to protect people.
RACHEL: But if you’re not the right person, it doesn’t matter! If you have the power but you’re not standing for the truth, then…you’re one of the villains.
XBen comes up with a plan. He realizes that Taco Boy still has his powers, and thanks to that, they are going to save the day.
The Final Battle
Back inside, Dr. Skitch is still trying to escape when the remaining Legionnaires burst in. Mumbo Jumbo attacks and steals Danger Girl’s powers (part of the XBen’s plan), suddenly sensing somehow that he is in great danger. XBen says that it’s because Taco Boy is here – now that they have his powers to aid them, the Legion will surely be victorious. Mumbo Jumbo is baffled at how Taco Boy of all people could be a danger to him, and just does the natural thing and uses the Device to steal easily Taco Boy’s powers as well.
MUMBO: HA! That was your secret weapon!? Your last plan has failed, XBen! The Legion of Good is doomed!
XBEN: Wrong. Our last plan has just begun.
Feisty Girl charges in and punches Mumbo Jumbo solidly in the jaw. He is stunned, physically but also mentally that he is hurt so badly. Feisty Girl continues to lay into him as XBen reveals that in addition to stealing all their powers, he has also stolen their weaknesses, including Taco Boy’s glass jaw.
Mumbo Jumbo fights back but it’s a losing battle against Feisty Girl’s fists of fury. Radiation Rachel meanwhile is able to get to the Epsilon Device and reverse its effects. The Legion, back to full strength, easily defeat their foe.
And that night, back at their HQ, the Legion dance in joyful celebration.
A New Day
Later that week, the team has another meeting, recording in their official log the defeat of Skitch and Mumbo Jumbo.
XBEN: After some debate, it has been decided that the Epsilon technology, though impressive, will be dismantled and destroyed. End of entry. [he closes the file] Does that sound accurate to everyone?
DWAYNO: Except that you left out the part where you all beat me up!
XBEN: Just a little reminder, Dr. Dwayno, that history is written by the victors.
The team then go onto the business of their leadership election. We see that Feisty Girl is voting for XBen, Taco Boy is voting for Radiation Rachel, and Dr. Dwayno is voting for himself. As they do, the team chats.
GOLDFISH: I still can’t get over how long Mumbo Jumbo was impersonating Danger Girl.
DANGER GIRL: Ever since I wandered out to look at myself with my new mask. That was the real danger I was sensing.
TALL POPPY: And then he became Dr. Dwayno long enough to plant suspicions about XBen’s character, forged his handwriting on the receipt, etc. Quite a clever little plan, actually.
DWAYNO: Except he left out one important detail: my need for food! Which maybe goes to show how our weaknesses can also be our strengths!
DANGER GIRL: Danger! Oh no, guys, I’m sensing Danger! It’s coming from over…there!
She points toward Feisty Girl, which makes her jump and knock over and break her coffee mug.
FEISTY GIRL: Was that it?
Danger Girl nods, while XBen laments that that was Captain Conquer’s coffee mug. The others say it was a silly trophy, but XBen thinks they don’t know how valuable it really was.
We cut to Captain Conquer, asleep at the Risk board.
Back at the HQ, the others continue to talk while the votes are tabulated.
TALL POPPY: Sure we defeated Mumbo Jumbo, and Dr. Skitch is behind bars. But what did we really accomplish? What difference did it make in the battle against violence and corruption, the neverending war that consumes my very soul?
GOLDFISH: You know what? I’m going to buy you a new dog.
The phone rings – it’s another emergency. The Hobgeezer is attempting to poison the water supply. The Legion turn to their leader for instructions, and XBen announces that Feisty Girl is the leader as she has won the election. Feisty Girl is stunned to hear it, but defers to give orders as her official term doesn’t begin until the next day.
XBEN: It’s only one day.
FEISTY: It’s one day.
XBEN: All right. Until tomorrow, then.
He turns to the group.
XBEN: All right…the Hobgeezer, eh? You know, I think we could all use a little fun. Full team, let’s go.
They tell the police that they will be right there, and the team charges into action.
And that’s it. Now, my script, which will most likely forever go unshot, has a place in this world. And that place is this blogpost. I especially enjoy the Dwayno character, and even though the self-fulfilling prophesy stuff is sort of old hat now, I think some of the other time travel gags are kind of funny. And some of the stuff with Tall Poppy sermonizing to himself all the time as well. So maybe some of that will find its way into a “published” story one day, but probably not this entire script. Even so, all rights reserved, and so on.
Long post. Did you get all the way to this sentence? Sound off below and let us know!
There is a sequel of sorts to The Legion of Good called The Co-op for Justice, which is, frankly, even stranger, which may get this treatment next.